It's 8am... It's 2:45am...

It is 8:00am.   

You wake peacefully, feeling groggy, your eyes slowly adjust to the brightness emanating from your bedroom window. You feel tired, in need of a few more hours of shut eye. You roll over to face away from the light. You notice you heart beating. Slowly its rate increases and you start to feel a small bead of sweat appear on your forehead. Lying on your bed staring at the roof, you begin to wonder what’s wrong with you. “Why can’t I just wake up, relaxed, refreshed, and ready for today like my friends seem to do?” As you’ve done many mornings before, you wonder is there a problem with your heart, or some other underlying illness. You know there isn’t - you’ve done tests and gotten the all clear, but still the thought returns, day in and day out. 

You reach over to the bedside and grab your phone, tap the home button and are greeted by a merry list of notifications. Rows of pixels perfectly aligned with tiny blips of information that somehow draws you back in every day. You read them, methodically, the same as you did yesterday, the day before that, and damn near every day before. You wonder when was it you last took a time out from all of your technology and social networks. Same as yesterday.  

A half an hour passes and you’re still lying in your bed, now almost staring through your phone as though you expect some divine wisdom to spring from within. Routinely pulling down to refresh the news feed, you notice your heart still beats higher than normal, and your clammy hands make holding the shiny phone that bit more difficult. 

Eventually, you haul yourself out of the bed and waddle your tired ass to the bathroom. A short while later you emerge, waddle back to your room and sit on the edge of your bed. You look at your phone for further notifications and begin to get dressed. 

Your day whizzes by, each moment feels tense, and that tension leads to even more worries.You begin to doubt yourself, to wonder why you are this way - clearly you are inadequate and undeserving of a normal day. You move forward through the day, going about your daily tasks, but always on edge. At times you forget the most basic of things, only to lash out at yourself later when you remember them. “Why the fuck do I keep fucking this up!?” 

Evening comes around and you head for home, finally sensing an end to this constant tension in your day. Soon you can sleep, and forget about all of this. 

It is 2am. 

You got into bed 2 hours ago. You lay staring at the roof, physically and mentally drained, but unable to switch off. Your mind is still racing. A single thought never ends, it always connects to another, and that in turn connects to another thought. A never ending loop. You look over towards your locker and notice the little LED notification glow on your phone, or that light glow from your lock screen. You reach for it, your heart still beating heavily. 30 seconds later you’re back to refreshing the news feed, hoping something interesting pops up. Something life changing. Something that isn’t the thoughts in your mind. You feel more awake, more agitated. Your breaths are short and frequent, as though you’d just completed a strenuous workout. You wonder why this is still happening, why you can’t just relax and switch off anymore?

It is 2:45am. 

Your eyes are heavy now. Though your thoughts are racing, you can’t keep your eyes open any longer. Finally, it’s time to sleep. 

It is 8am. 


It is 2am. 

Your phone sits flashing by the bed. You reach for it.  

It is 2:45am. 

Sleep, please, now? 

It is 8am. 




This was my life for the better part of 2 years. This was my life when anxiety ruled my days. Some days were worse than others. Some nights took the piss. Nights where leaving the company of friends to walk home to my own place wasn’t possible without a detour to the night doctors (South Doc). That happened 3 times, as well as one time where I got home and into bed, only to have to call upon a dear friend to carry me to do the doctors at 4am, following a big panic attack. Each time a different doctor, each time the same results. “You’re anxious, Jerry.” 

So many of us face challenges with our mental health. So many of us go day to day not realising that we are struggling. 

I had no idea that I was anxious until one day in the summer of 2014. That day I was all set for meeting my friend, Sarah, who’d kindly offered to come and collect me to go hangout. I got into the car and told her I wasn’t feeling well. Reluctantly, I asked her to drop me to the doctors. We arrived and I promised her I’d “be like 10-15 mins, at most.” I walked in and asked the receptionist if I could see the doctor, as I described my symptoms. Her face looked concerned and she asked me to take a seat in the waiting room with a promise to be seen as soon as possible. I sat for no more than 3 minutes in the waiting room before I began to feel very dizzy and weak. I got to my feet, my hands and arms tingling, my vision blurring slightly. I reached for the door and staggered out into the hallway, and pleaded with the receptionist to see the doctor straight away. She called the nurse who immediately took me into her room, where she quickly realised that my blood pressure was spiralling upwards. I was struggling to breathe. She rushed me down the corridor to the doctors room, where he immediately began to test my blood pressure, blood sugar, and more. Concerned and seemingly unsure of what was causing it all, my doctor told he could either call an ambulance, or if I had someone to drive me asap, that would be preferable as time was of the essence.

Whether I like to admit it or not, that day changed my life.

I still remember the worried look on my father’s face as he rushed me to Tralee to get to A&E at Kerry General Hospital, as I sat beside him, dizzy and struggling to breathe. I still remember going into A&E to be greeted by the triage nurse, who rapidly set about setting up an ECG test on my heart. As the results came through I saw her relax, and calmly remove all of the pads from my body. She told me it was fine - no anomalies. I didn’t realise it too much at the time, but that made me feel better. Next, she turned and asked me if I’d been smoking any weed. I immediately responded with a no, and she said “okay, I just had to ask… the doctor will see you shortly.”. With my father by my side I walked out to the waiting area of A&E in KGH. An hour or more passed before I heard the name “Jeremiah Lane” uttered behind me. I went through with my dad and met the doctor, who asked me to lay down on a bed as he drew the curtains the bay. The first words he said to me were: “So Mr Lane, you are anxious?” I was both shocked and confused, and queried with a barrage of questions that he equally quickly dispelled with concise answers. After a precautionary x-ray it became clear that the only issue was in fact anxiety. I walked the hallway towards exit after meeting the doctor again, a few Xanax tucked into my pocket, and a prescription for a weeks worth of the same. “I’m anxious?” kept on repeating over and over in my head. I was indeed very anxious. 

Time passed, I completed my prescription for xanax as well as a subsequent prescription and I felt okay at times for a while. 

As time moved on I felt myself having many days like the one at the start of this piece. I felt drained, unfocused, and on edge, day in and day out for what felt like months. I loved my time with my friends, and they were, of course, a huge support. Yet, any time I found myself alone, things spiralled downwards rapidly. 

At the start of 2015, I found myself once again at the doctors, this time it was South Doc in Listowel, faced with another doctor telling me that I’m ‘just anxious’. At the end as I got up to leave, she informed me of services offered through the GP’s, called the Mental Health Liaison Officer - a full-time mental health professional that comes around to local GP offices once every two weeks to offer counselling services and support to those struggling with their mental health. I made an appointment to see her through my GP, and to this day - on a personal level - it’s the best decision I have ever made. 

Counselling changed my life. Counselling helped me realise a great deal of the shortcomings I served myself through the actions I took every day. It helped me to know that it’s okay to not be okay, to talk about it, and to express how I really feel about things that make me upset. It helped me to know that while I may still have a bad day, just like those above, I can deal with them, that I can give myself outlets. It taught me that I can learn and grow as a person, and to do the things I set my mind. 2015 has been the most life changing year of my life, in what to many may seem like a tiny way, but to me is a huge way. 

All of this paints a clear picture from me, when I look back on the past 2 or so years. I have struggled a great deal at times, and I know I have rare days where all doesn’t feel right, and I will have days where I struggle with such things again, but, I know I can get on top of them and take control of my life. I wasn’t okay, and it took me a long time to realise I really needed help to get through it. I took that step, and it helped me more than I could have imagined. If you’re struggling, talking to your GP, or your friends, or anyone that’s willing to really listen to you, can be a huge help. Know that you deserve to be happy, to be free of these worries, and to live the life you really want. Do not be afraid to ask for help. 

Work 01: Flog The Dog

Quick little update for you tonight! 

I recently completed a brand new website for Kerry based group, Flog The Dog. This wonderful group offer a range of packages and services from large events to smaller private functions, weddings, and more. I'd love if you could take a minute to drop by their brand new site at, AND show them some love on their Facebook

A sneak peak at the brand new! Click the image to go check it out! :) 

A sneak peak at the brand new! Click the image to go check it out! :) 


As ever, any feedback is welcome and i'm open to discussion here in the comments, on the ole Twitter machine, or anywhere else you can find me! :) 

#WorldSuicidePreventionDay 2015

Recently people across the globe joined together to raise awareness for world suicide prevention day. A day where so many of us could step back and acknowledge the loss of someone that we cared about or loved deeply, to suicide. For some of us it’s a day for acknowledging the progress made in our own lives and through our own challenging times.

Growing up, I struggled a lot and it flowed from a number of events early in life (I touched on that, here..). In my teens at times I struggled with self worth. Prior to starting college I had little to no motivations other than getting to college – and that was purely because it was expected of me. I was never truly happy.

In my second year of college I felt disillusioned with life. I lost my job, and I felt no motivation to get out of my bed every single day. I did not know I was depressed. I did not know there was something ‘wrong’ with me because I didn’t think about it. I felt nothing and I didn’t ponder it. I didn’t care. At night I’d go to sleep and not care about whether or not I was going to wake up the following morning. I felt empty. The day I lost my job I realised all was quite clearly not okay. When I got home I sat and spoke to my dad in the car outside our house. As I told him i’d lost the job I broke down crying and told him I was not okay, that I needed help. Those six words were in no uncertain terms, life changing. “I’m not okay. I need help.”

See, taking the step to admit to dad that I wasn’t okay, was in a round about way the first time I admitted it to myself. And when I’d admitted it and accepted it, I found the support so very forthcoming. My dad and family were amazing. They rallied, he got me in to see a counsellor, and it made a big positive impact. In many ways it has been a long road since. I dealt with my depression but still had (and to a point, have) anxiety that can impact my life. But, the counselling helped me stop feeling completely empty. It made me feel my emotions and to begin to understand them, to realise that I have a lot to give in this life. It helped me further down the line too, as I realised I needed to get help with the anxiety I was experiencing around this time last year. I did so at the turn of this year and it’s been the best thing I’ve ever done for my own sake.

I think I can safely say I am not a person that would be considered vain. I’m unselfish (sometimes to a fault, i’m told), and my self worth and I are still very much so at loggerheads on many occasions. But I’ve come so far, I’m being healthier, i’m so much happier, i have my degree, and a steady job that will open up many more opportunities down the line. I have amazing friends that I wouldn’t change for the world, and a truly wonderful family. My parents, brothers, and all the rest have been nothing short of amazing, and I will forever be grateful. But all of that progress came from one single turning point, and all it took was six tiny words: “I’m not okay. I need help.” Six words that single handedly turned the tide in my life and opened up the chance to turn things around. As someone that has been at the very lowest of points, all I can say is give yourself a chance. Even if you have never struggled with mental health, take the advice of the wonderful Alanna Diggin (indecisive damsel) and ask someone that you think may be struggling “are you okay?”. You have the power to help someone that really only needs another person to reach out to them at the right time. If someone asks you are you okay and you’re not, don’t be afraid to be honest. It can help immensely, and you deserve that.

If you’re struggling, and like me, you live in Ireland, please contact the Samaritans on 116 123, or talk to someone else in your life. It is okay to not be okay. Remember that. Ask for help. You are worth fighting for.

This post was originally shared on my other blog -, on World Suicide Prevention Day 2015. 

The Challenge Ahead

I tweet, a lot. I have done for a pretty long time now. I first joined Twitter in 2010, but that account got hacked and the good ole folks at Twitter never responded or helped me get it back. I had a bad password for all of my services at the time, and it could have been much worse. You live, you learn. Why am I rambling about this? I think I have hit a wall with Twitter. I just RT things, lash out favourites and it becomes this clusterfuck of information and links. I don't use it to its full potential and I really ought to do so. I have also realised that I tend to tweet meandering thoughts far too liberally. Simple ideas that just float into my head, yet instead of processing them and resolving many of them, I toss it onto an ever growing list of non-sensical 140-character long blips. That has to change. I have to change. Randomly tweeting young, non-sensical thoughts that are often far from logical just isn't a good idea. In a sense it's reflective of life, of late. 

What Next?

Honestly, it's started to get the better of me in certain respects, and has given me a little bit of an ass kicking. This is me acknowledging the fact. I'm on an internship at the moment with a startup specialising in aerial photography and video. I wrote about it all a while back. It's going, okay, I guess. There are many things I would change but, I could say that about a lot of things in my life over the past 23 and a bit years. What's the point? One thing I have tried to do is look at returning to college to undertake a masters over the coming year.I've been mulling over the prospect of returning to college. There's a Masters program that is pretty intriguing to me in the college here. At the moment, a massive wall formed entirely from bureaucracy, stands in the way. Currently, I receive a social welfare payment each week. 

As a result, this plan is at the discretion of the Department of Social Protection. Unfortunately, it would seem many in the department don't fully understand the schemes available. So far I have spoken to 4 people, each with a different answer to my questions. It becomes disheartening after a while - to not be helped despite a near constant plea for information and support. It's beyond frustrating. Truthfully, I don't know where this will lead. All I know is I have to be ready for all eventualities, which, is much easier said than done. I'm trying my best to figure out what the best path is, and I can only hope that transition goes as smoothly as it can in my head. 

Like all ventures in life, it takes time and effort to make something work. I've learned this the hard way with my attempts at losing weight over the years. The only times I have made decent progress have been when I focused on doing it because it would make me happy. I have a long way to go, but progress has been made and there's adequate room for more to follow suit. Time harbours great promise. Effort releases it. 

“We improve ourselves by victory over our self. There must be contests, and you must win.” - Edward Gibbon

If the college plan fails, I'll take it as a sign. A sign that I need to give it my all to forge my own path, and to do so because it is what's meant to be for me. In my mind I know what that direction could be like. I know that I could be very happy, that I'll be really challenged, and that it will only work if I really work. That's a challenge that I'm happy to tackle head on. 

Ah, the semi-broken promise...

That title pretty much sums up what this blog has been about, to date. 

Truthfully, blogging kind of fell off the list of things that I found engaging, for a while. It's funny, but during my last burst of writing I actually felt like I had something important to say and to share. Something endearing. What followed was a little bit of a reality check, and an acceptance that I am 23. I stopped writing. 

The week before last, my iPhone4S succumbed to about 3 and a half years worth of abuse. It felt odd. For the first time in about 6 years, I had no smartphone. I decided to blog about it. The intention was to create a daily blogging series on my Medium account. It lasted for about 3 days - I'll republish them right here, sequentially. After 4 days I decided to put end to the series, due to work/personal commitment. I felt indifferent. 

A trusty ole '4S snap. 

A trusty ole '4S snap. 

The biggest surprise throughout the 3-day blogging experience has to be the response I received to the posts. Nothing over the top, but there was an actual response, which surprised me quite a bit. Maybe I do have some interesting thoughts to share? 

For now, all I can do is give you my word that there will be more content here on my journal. I made the decision to kill a couple of days ago, as I felt it was also grossly under-utilised. I don't exactly have a plan, but honestly, that's solely because I am busy in my personal and work life. There will be time. 

Oooh, a little update! 

Recently, I have made the somewhat bold decision to pursue work as a freelancer. I am currently in the midst of creating a business plan, and I can't wait to go head on into this! So much time spent strategising now, and looking at what others are doing in my area. The work has to be great, and I'm a stickler for setting standards for myself. The marketing also has to be great, and that's going to take a little more time and effort to get to grips with.

If you have any thoughts or advice you think worth sharing, please drop me a comment below, or get in touch with me on Twitter at @jerrylane_. As always, thanks for taking the time to pop by and follow my meandering thoughts (also known as "Word Vomit"). I really do appreciate it.

Have a great day! 


Steady, steady, steady... Do!

“Steady, steady, steady…” 

I love and loathe the act of thinking. As someone that has lived with anxiety for a few years now, I find it a blessing and a curse to hold the ability to critically think about situations. At times with anxiety that critical, focused thinking can suffer due to thoughts that roll more from the heart than the head. Thoughts that are shrouded in hypothetical notions, each one with its own thread, and all connected into one giant web that at times is so very difficult to break free from. 

Enter YouTube and the work and ideas of one filmmaker. 

At this point you might be wondering: “where the hell is he going with this?” And, you’d be right to wonder. See, I’m a huge fan of people that can tell a story with very little, or those that can take the most mundane of objects and turn them into a wonderful image. Over the past 6 months or so I have grown to become a big fan of the work of Mr. Casey Neistat - a filmmaker living in New York. Casey has a great style in his work, and it always strikes me that he’s more capable at executing on telling a story than many ‘critically acclaimed’ filmmakers. There’s a sort of no frills thinking to some of his work and he’s a firm believer in the idea of getting shit done. 

A while back I watched a video of Casey presenting a keynote about the pursuit of perfection and how it can affect the humanity in work. It hit home for me. As a creative person that’s gone through college, I’ve found myself under this constant notion that everything needs to be so technically perfect, so tack sharp, so 4K and perfectly mixed in 5.1 or 7.1… That’s well and good, but the story has to come first. There are so many capable tools that are at our disposal everyday through which we can tell stories and while it’s nice to have all the gear in the world, sometimes that can cause more trouble than its worth. 

In some respects, that whole idea is why I haven’t blogged a whole pile of late. In the past I spent so much time thinking about doing shit, and so much less on executing those ideas, that I just found myself bouncing back over the same ideas again and again, feeling more anxious, and really getting nowhere with anything! Don’t get me wrong - critical thinking and refinement of an idea has its place, 100%, but it’s not the be all. If an idea only exists in your head, it’s wasted. It’s taken me a little while to realise and accept that, but I’m doing it now and it feels great. 

Execution of an idea is always more productive than thinking about how you’re going to execute the idea. We all have to find that balance, to learn and grow as best we can, by doing.

I've been doing much more lately, both in my work capacity through my internship with Octofly, and on a personal level with shooting more photographs, trying to execute more on new ideas before I begin to overthink them, and in getting focused on losing weight by exercising more - an act that has perhaps had the greatest positive impact on my anxiety thus far. 

Do. Don't overthink. 

The link above is to one of my favourite albums of the year - If I Was by the fantastic trio of The Staves. I can't recommend this album enough. 

If you enjoyed this piece please feel free to give it a share, or to share your thoughts by dropping a comment below, or drop me a tweet to @jerrylane_ 


Oh new beginnings...

 This year has been so life changing in so many ways. One year ago I was finishing up my time at college, I was unhappy, anxious, and heading down a really negative path. That path continued until the turn of the year. At that point, I was struggling every day with anxiety, being hugely overweight, and struggling to get through each day. Following a meeting with my doctor, I decided to get further help through a counsellor. That was my turning point. 

It's now been over 4 months since that date, i'm happy, pretty much free of anxiety, and for the first time in my life I'm focused on 'me', on losing weight, getting healthy and (finally) pursuing the things in life that I'm most passionate about. In just a few months time i'll be investing in a camera and some lenses to push myself out as a freelance photographer and videographer. I know I have an eye for it, combined with a passion and ambition to excel at it, and now I feel i'm ready to do it! 

It's funny in a way that it took getting to a really point for things to turn around. I couldn't have imagined just 4 months ago that i'd be where I am, but thanks to the support from my friends and family, combined with the support of my counsellor and a realisation that I want to be healthier, to be more productive, and ultimately to try and be happy in who I am, I've gotten to where I am. It's the realisation that if I want to feel better, I truly have to want be better. 

I started working with a startup company here in Tralee a week or two ago, called Octofly LTD. We specialise in aerial photography and videography for a whole host of areas. 

Here's a shot we got while out training yesterday, near Ballyduff, Co. Kerry. 

Sineater heads for Cannes!

Quick little update tonight! 

The short film, Sineater, that I worked on as production stills photographer just before Christmas, has been selected for the Cannes Film Festival, 2015. The film, written and directed by Bertie Brosnan and produced by Brian O Connor will be appearing in the Short Film Corner at Cannes 2015. The film was an interesting project to work on and had a pretty great crew built around it. You can check out some of the production stills I took by heading here

If you're feeling extra generous, you can help Brian and Bertie to take the film to more festivals by supporting them on their IndieGoGo campaign


Over the past twelve months or so I've found it more and more common to see or hear about friends and acquaintances that are going through difficult times in their lives, about people that have lost their way, and about so many that are struggling to get to the end of the day. At the same time, there's still an ignorance towards mental health in numerous parts of our society, and it's something that really must change. There are a great many things in life that can get to you. As someone that's dealt with depression and anxiety on a personal level in numerous instances over the last 5 or so years, it's from that personal experience that I can say knowing that it's okay to not feel okay is a huge step to take when dealing with your own mental health. Knowing when something isn't okay and ACCEPTING that is vital to begin addressing the problem.

As someone suffering you may look to others for support, and yet sometimes all you can think is "I'm going to be annoying them or bringing them down if I say how I'm feeling", so you bottle it. It builds up and you feel worse. The cycle repeats. But the reality is, you won't bring them down, and your friends are your friends because they care about you. They want to see you happy. At worst they may be a little taken aback initially, but they'll do what they can because that's what friends do. Family are the same.

As the friend or family member you may not know what to do or what to say if someone comes to you about their struggles. You might find yourself unable to muster up solutions to their problems, but that's okay, you're still there and you're still supporting them. That in itself can be huge for someone that's struggling. You can also help by supporting them should they seek professional help, which is always a perfectly fine thing to do.

The taboo and shame that hangs over mental health is purely nonsensical. It's like we're living in the past and that asking for help is a sign of weakness. It's not. It never was (regardless of what any horribly misinformed folk said), and it never will be.

Knowing that life is best lived in appreciating more the everyday things most of us take for granted - your friends, your families, the silly jokes and moments that only you and your wonderfully strange group of friends get, whatever these tiny moments are - these are the things to place your happiness in. Forget the gadgets, the fancy outfits, the latest celebrity magazines and gossip, and all these other material possessions. They come and go with the seasons and their value is short lived. Take strength in the ones you get out of bed to get to see and talk to every day. When all's said and done the memories you have will be with the people you've shared your life with, and the places you experienced together.

If you're struggling, don't be afraid to talk. If you're approached by someone that's struggling, don't be afraid to listen. Life is complicated, finding happiness in the simple things will make it a joyful one.